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One In YOU

Here's a poem I found. I think I wrote it last year.

My sin laying heavy upon me - I want to be free
My GOD, O GOD, rescue me
My ways are so dark - my path is dim to see
My GOD, O GOD, rescue me
My thoughts are a wasteland - as though a barren tree
My GOD, O GOD, rescue me
In YOUR protection I choose to forever be
The fortress of GOD is my destiny
Rescue me.


that's a song by dead poetic (vices cd. it's AMAZING.)
the last good six months of my life have been absolutely crazy.
the good news is i've got my brother and dad. they are people in my life that love me and i never really had before.
God has continued to be amazing and is teaching me so many amazing things.
currently i am learning how to fend for myself and preparing myself for such a big world out there.
mom, if you ever read this - i forgive you. i know that you're looking for someone to actually love and appreciate you. i just hope it works out for you two...

i just can't believe she's leaving me. everyone looks forward to summer as a time to relax and be free, but for me it will be a completely different story. just a few days after my birthday in early july, she's moving away...way across the wide pacific ocean. i can't even bear to think saying goodbye to her at the airport. i will experience so many emotions, but mainly hurt and anger. i just can't even imagine what that will be like.

there are so many broken promises i'm currently dealing with, including college. God has an amazing plan for me and i know without a doubt that i will be okay. it's just so hard having to deal with this on top of school, work, sat and act tests, extracurriculars, church, leadership, home responsibilites...all i want to do is hide at times. i want change and i want something great to come out of my life. all i can do is wait for God to point me in my next direction and keep working hard. in my heart i know that everything will be okay and just as God is carrying me, He is carrying my mom and this situation. we are all His children and just as he left the 99 sheep to find the one lost one, He will bring my mom back. it's just so painful to have to stand up in my own home for beliefs that my mom once told me were true. i am old enough to be able to differenciate between right and wrong and i am responsible enough to block out the lies. it just gets so hard.

only God knows what i go through on a day-to-day basis.
no one knows how much i'm suffering.
i live off of God's pure joy and peace and it gets me through the day.
at church and school i am truly happy...but at home i find myself incredibly sad and alone.
only God can save me from my pain...i'd be so incredibly and desperately lost without Him.


it's time to be real on here. since april my life has been a living hell. all I'm trying to do is hold close to my faith and God and get through this. here's the hell i've been living through:

my mom who used to love and care about me no longer is there for me. she abandoned me so she can have a lustful "romance" with a man half-way around the world. that's right, she's traded her kids for a lie. a man who lives in australia. this man she used to date in high school as he was a foreign exchange student, but the next year he moved back. they have apparently always loved each other, and when i was born, my middle name was given to me in his honor. (i just found out that's why my middle name is ashley) bascially, they've never seen each other since then. until april.

they re-connected and started sending lustful and sexually explicit emails to each other, calling each other every night. yes, my Christian mother has turned cold. she's still, to this day, married to my dad technically. the divorce is not official. and because of her, she's ruined this other man's marriage and split he and his wife apart. she's said time and time again in emails i've discovered today that she can't wait to be selfish and get rid of my brother and i and move down to have sex with him. he's coming soon to america and they're having a nice time at the beach to have sex. i just can't believe this is the same mom that raised me! i'm completely abandoned by my mother. at least my dad's stepped up a little bit; he's never really done that my whole life. God is always good and providing people in my life like my dad to help me out. this story is terribly complex, but for now, that's what's going on. and during my brother's september birthday, she will be at the beach with that creep, and a week before my 18th birthday, she's moving to australia.

glad i'm so loved.
i feel so incredibly alone.
please pray for me.

"what if i wanted to break, laugh it all off in your face, what would you do? what if i fell to the floor, couldn't take this anymore, what would you do? come break me down! bury me, bury me. i am finished with you! what if i wanted to fight, beg for the rest of my life, what would you do? you say you wanted more, what are you waiting for? i'm not running from you! come, break me down! bury me bury me! i am finished with you!! LOOK AT MY EYES, YOU'RE KILLING ME, KILLING ME. ALL I WANTED WAS YOU."

who are you?

my mom...she isn't even officially divorced from my dad yet.
she's talking to this guy she knew in high school. we live in america. he lives in australia.
he's talking to my mom behind his wife's back, and he's working on getting a divorce because of my mom. they've made plans on getting together. married next year, she's moving next year down there. he's coming in september, and for some reason i can't see him. later i found out that she's planning on going down to the beach and sleeping with him the entire time.
there is no way he'll even be officially divorced by the time he comes up! he's supposed to come up here for business reasons, but he'll take a detour with my mom. secretly.

so much for everything you taught me, mom.
you used to teach me how important morals are. how important saving that is.
you've changed. you don't even care how much you've hurt me. you won't even admit it. all of the times i've cried and tried to talk to you, you've pushed me away.
well, i have had enough. i don't even care anymore. my dad has already screwed my life up and you know that. yet you are so selfish, you are willing to destroy our relationship for some idiot guy. he's not even a Christian, mom. if he's going to cheat on his wife for you, what kind of things is he going to do while you're married?
mom, you are an absolute idiot. why can't you wait? why can't you meet someone who actually would be good for you? this is a horrible way to meet a guy and get married. i don't care what you say. i hate that man. i hate him with everything in me. i hate that he's destroyed you.
you've changed, mom. you've changed so much. i used to rely on you. i used to go to you.
well, not anymore. i don't care you're an adult and you can "do whatever you want." if you do that, you'll lose me. if you go back on what you've taught me, then everything you've taught me is a lie.
i used to have such good hopes for us, mom. we've never had the relationship i've needed, but i've looked forward to the day when we'd become "best friends"...well, not anymore. i used to trust you. you used to care. i think.

have a nice life without me. you and my brother will go off, and i'll stay here where people actually care about me and love me. because if you truly cared about me, you'd listen to me when i was upset. even if you don't agree with me, at least listen. the truth is you don't care about me at all. all you care about is yourself.

great, you're happy. you've gotten what you've always wanted! but you've lost so much more...you've lost a daughter that has been through so much with you. i can't even look at you now. you make me sick.

you're treating me just like my dad has.
thanks for turning your back on me.
glad you "love" me so much...definitely can feel it...

i have lost both of my parents.
i guess i must be really worthless.

i am dying

can anyone hear me?


this is the first time i've gotten truly, truly angry in a long time.
the worst thing is how stupid the situation was.
most of the "demons" from my past are long gone, except for one - anger.
that's probably because i have tons of things in my life to be angry about.
my dad an absolute jerk has completely left me and my family.
my mom deals with anger issues and takes her anger out on me at times.
my brother has HUGE anger problems and is violent most of the time.
basically my home is not too pleasant, and i can't stand it any longer.

why do you think i'm constantly gone?
this is the only night this week where i'm getting home after school. on top of sports i'm involved in a play as well, so all of my time is taken up with that, a boyfriend, friends....you get the picture.

i don't know...we really need prayer right now...my family, that is. this is such a serious request. i know that God can make miracles happen, but i just can't see this ever getting better. my brother and i have always had a bad relationship, and as the years have gone on he gets worse and worse. sure, i do crap too and i'm not near perfect, but my mom and brother blame everything in the house on me. that's why i'm the only one in counseling. they truly believe that it is my fault our house is so screwed up and i hate that.

i'm sick of carrying everyone's burdens.
i'm a ticking timebomb.
i can't carry anything else.
i am so incredibly weak, and without God's love and healing, my guess is i probably would be dead or something.

i was suicidal in my past, before my relationship with God became really significant in my own personal life.
i will never do that now, but the thought still comes up at times like these.
all i want to do is just separate myself from all of this world - all of its hurts and pains.

yet, i know that God has an incredible plan for me.
without Him, i wouldn't be alive today.

again, please pray for my family. it's been 1 1/2 years since they were seperated, and the divorce process has been going on for almost a year now. the official date is the day after my birthday this summer, so pray that it will end quickly.

i just want my life back.
i'm a junior in high school and i just want to be a kid.

i look at everyone else my age and they all seem so free. going to a Christian school, most of them have no idea what pain really is. i guess that's why i'm having such a hard time there...no one really understands what i've been going through. no one could relate.

just again, please pray that God will save my family.
before this timebomb explodes.
Is breathing the same thing as speaking the personal name of God - YAHWEH?
This video will help explain.

You'll really regret if you don't take the time to watch this.
After watching it, it really changed my life.
Just give it a chance. You have nothing to lose.

by Rob Bell


Writer's Block: My Definition of Greatness

How do you define greatness?

greatness is based on the quality of one's character - who someone really is on the inside.

a whole new revelation

watch this video.
i'll guarantee it'll change you.
as i watched it today it changed me.



yes, i am still alive.
my life is just incredibly busy now with the tennis season starting off.
but just as a heads up, i [and a few others] are going to have a meeting in front of our junior class to try to start a change. there are a lot of underlying issues with unity, etc. and God has really spoken to my heart that He wants to see change. although i am not popular, hopefully the "popular" people will listen to me and i won't be too nervous. although i am scared, i am ready at the same time. God is good. no matter what circumstance i'm going through, He is consistently ALWAYS there.




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October 2009


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